My husband was right about me.
Stress for me happens when I’m inconvenienced. I didn’t think it was true when he first said it, but this morning while running (when I do my best thinking) I now see it is actually even more than that: I get stressed when I’m forced to relinquish control!
For some reason (insert SIN) I think I should be Queen and all should go according to MY plan!
How is that for a blogpost confession! Yuck…I mean who wants to see that about themselves?
The thing is, I have no problem diagnosing control issues in others. But to shine the flashlight on to my own heart and see those same tendencies just manifesting themselves differently is a little trickier. You see I am naturally organized, a planner and a do-er. My husband often jokes that I can get more done before 8am then he gets done all day. And quite frankly I think on many days that is the case :).
But now you see not only do I want to control, I’m also full of pride. And I think for someone like me, I can coast on self-reliance and time-management skills until… I am inconvenienced by someone not acting on those same skill sets. Then control is yanked out from under my perfectly ordered world!
Along with that I lose some sleep, snap at my family and get frustrated with myself and others. Never once stopping to pray!
Some of you may be thinking, “WHAT! REALLY? YOU DO THOSE THINGS?”
Yep. And, I tell others to pray.
And I tell others that we all bow down to false gods or idols.
And that it’s actually a good thing to see your sin.
All of which are TRUE.
Which is why I need a Savior the same way You need a Savior.
What I know to be true and what I functionally believe don’t always line up. As a fallen worshipper at any given moment my heart can turn from the One True God to a multitude of false gods. And in my case, this week, it was the “god of control”.
And though I don’t like seeing this inconsistency and sin in my life, it is good for us to see our sin… Because if/when I am oblivious to it, in denial of it or blaming my behavior on others, I am living as though I don’t need a Savior. But when I see my sin, I see my need. And I must acknowledge once again that MY sin put Jesus on the cross. A place He willingly went because of His great love for me.
Let that sink in! REALLY!
Sometimes it’s hard to believe He would do that for me. And sometimes, if we are honest, its hard to believe our own sin merits death!
But believing this is true keeps me from beating myself up over my sin and it frees me to confess my sin. I can rest knowing I have a Savior who covers me in His righteous robes… even when I try to kick Him off the throne of my heart and rule myself.
This is Good News and the reason I’m thankful that the Holy Spirit used my husband to flash that alert to my heart.
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