Freedom From ED

My last special guest blogger for National Eating Disorder Awareness week is Victoria, a new friend and Executive Director of the Oklahoma Eating Disorder Association. As with the other posts: Giving Up the Fight: The War on Eating Disorders, Breaking Up with ED and I Had No Idea: The Secret Truths of Eating Disorders I hope her story encourages you. Whether your struggle is with food or something else, I pray you find true freedom in Christ.

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I will never forget the day I overheard a couple of my “friends” say I was ugly and fat. I had been teased about my appearance before, but this hit a whole new level. As I slowly removed myself from the situation I threw their wounding comments on top of the pile of damaging things I already believed about myself. Over the years I had compiled a significant amount of negative thoughts and these last comments caused the mountain of negativity I had accumulated to collapse around me.

Like any young girl I wanted to be pretty and accepted by my peers. At that moment the burden of trying to live up to what others perceived to be beautiful was too much. The only way I saw fit to make a change, to be beautiful, was to lose weight.

From that moment on I worked harder than ever before to be “healthy.” I quickly lost weight and was praised for it. To my dismay the weight loss didn’t satisfy the longing in my heart. The control I felt over food led to an intensified focus to control other aspects of my life and obtain a “perfect appearance.”

I cowered under the power of the unrealistic expectations I had made for myself and withdrew from social situations as well as important relationships in my life. Before I knew what was happening my identity had became solely what I ate, how I exercised and what I looked like in the mirror. I had fallen so far that I didn’t know what to do, except to keep pretending I was ok and to hide my damaging behaviors.

One day, completely exhausted I broke down. Six years of living a life that from the outside seemed to be a put together, disciplined and healthy was a complete facade. I was falling apart.

I realized that I couldn’t bear to continue to live in bondage. Broken and confused as to what to do I cried out to The Lord for help. This certainly couldn’t be the way God wanted me to live for the rest of my life.

For so long my shame and guilt had kept me from reaching out for help and believing I could conquer this alone. Instead the behaviors of constantly fighting for control, comparing myself to others, and worrying about my appearance became so engrained in my everyday life and ruled over my every thought. I had pushed God and everyone else out of this part of my life for so long that all I knew to do was have faith and trust that God would lead my way.

There were hard days, and easier days, but with the help of my family, close friends, counselor and a whole lot of prayer I fought back against this oppression and pressed into God. Psalm 145:18-19, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them” became one of the main truths that kept me going through out the ups and downs of my recovery process.

Letting go and allowing The Lord to heal this part of my life was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I can now confidently proclaim that the things of this world (food, exercise and my appearance) cannot fill the desires of my heart. My heart longs for something more than what this world can offer. Something only a Christ can fill.

Through this process God has shown me a glimpse of the depths of His love, grace and healing powers. I now have the freedom to celebrate my worth and identity in Christ regardless of outward appearances.

Seeing the Lord completely transform my life has ignited a passion for cultivating positive body image, spreading eating disorder awareness, and educating others on the importance of early detection. I tell my story because I want others to know they are not alone in this battle. There is hope for healing no matter how hopeless you may feel. All you have to do is cry out for help. The Lord is listening and desires for His children to live in joyful freedom.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

 

Victoria is an energetic and fun-loving senior obtaining a Bachelor’s of Science in Dance and Arts Management and a minor in Business Entrepreneurship at Oklahoma City University. As the Executive Director of the Oklahoma Eating Disorders Association she continues to pursue her mission of spreading Eating Disorder awareness and the true meaning of health. In her free time Victoria enjoys being actively engaged at Bridgeway church, traveling, dancing, hiking and anything that involves being outside!

If you are struggling with an Eating Disorder, please reach out for help. There is no shame, but lots of freedom to be found. If you need resources please send me a comment and I will do my best to direct you.

Giving Up the Fight: The War on Eating Disorders

If you’ve been following my blog this week you know I am drawing attention to National Eating Disorder Awareness Week through the stories of several friends. Previous posts include friend Martha Kate’s Breaking Up with ED and my own I Had No Idea: The Secret Truth of Eating Disorders.  Now today meet my dear friend Parker, who we met when she was an 18 year-old college freshman. Ever since she has been like a big sister to my daughter and close friend of mine and our family.

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I’ve sat down to write out these words several times now – each moment feeling more difficult than the one before. I tried to pinpoint the hold up on my heart, and this morning – of course while having a food-centered moment over my coconut flour pancakes – it dawned on me. How many people really know the details of my journey?

How many times was I told, “You don’t have a problem,” “It’s really not that bad,” or “It’s just a phase?”

While I’m transparent with almost every part of my life, the depths of my heart hold tight to the anguish surrounding my body. The battle for those corners of my spirit raged on, during the so called “best years of my life,” until I finally gave up the war and surrendered to the only One big enough to win it for me.

I feel like a lot of folks who in journeying an interesting road qualify their story with the phrase “I grew up in a stable and loving home,” as though an ideal setting precludes us from challenge. Well, news flash…the enemy has no favorites. Every heart has equal accessibility to trial.

The minute I turned inward for control, my heart was primed for a takeover. Between the ages of 15 and 29, my relationship with food was tumultuous at best. As soon as I thought I’d reached a healthy balance, I would find myself staring back into the face of the enemy I’d spent so much energy willing myself away from. I would mark events in my life (college graduation, family events, our wedding, our first house) by “skinny time” or “fat time.” The memories illustrated in the photo would fade behind the noisy thoughts in my head criticizing every square inch of my body. Focused solely on myself, the shame attached to my pride only compounded the heartache.

My journey is full of marked moments of desperation. Between bottles of pills used to “balance” my food intake during college and extreme workouts that landed me in back surgery by age 23, I did everything to my body in pursuit of perfection. The breakdown? I allowed nothing for my body.

Let me pause here for a moment and ask you a question: Why should we care so much about this subject?

Personally, why does physical health matter so intensely to me?

One word answer for both questions: Freedom.

I longed for the emotional, physical, and spiritual space to love others, give radically, and live freely. My yo-yo years with nutritional and physical health have taken up so much space, in my head and heart. For a while, it was centered on dropping pounds and losing inches. Ultimately, as my heart began to heal, it was about finding consistency in one area of my life to build the foundation for growth and impact in all parts of my life.

When we counsel others through eating disorders, we often hear “this will always be a part of your journey.” Or my other favorite, “this will always be your fight.” Living within that supposed truth kept me in bondage to this enemy for nearly half of my life. All I could find was temporary relief clouded by the harsh reality that this nemesis would show its face again. My story – the one that began with “this will always be your fight” – became my truth. It was my life banner, until my Creator intervened on my behalf to repaint that banner with His heart for me. In His grace, He rewrote my story. He gave me a new Heartsong.

Here are the two truths of eating disorders: They are not preventable. They are curable. We are a community within a fallen world – crippled by sin and seemingly overpowered by societal norms. We cannot control what others around us see and hear. However, we can choose who we are for our community. We can be a soft landing for a hurting soul. We can speak in transparency and love. We can call the enemy for who he is and what he is – naming the lie and claiming the truth. And more than all of those combined, we can call on a Risen Savior. Christ needs not to fight the battle for us, because by His life, death, and resurrection…the war is already won.

In His victory is our freedom. 

Parker is a seeker of human potential, finding God’s artistry in the possibility of others. Released from performance and transformed by grace, she strives to live (and write) with authenticity and boldness – and a deep gratitude for the beauty within failure.

Parker serves as a brand and marketing strategist, committed to developing businesses with a heartbeat. When she’s not ideating with colleagues or blogging in a coffee shop, she enjoys yoga, spinning, giant glasses of sweet tea, and anything on the water. A graduate of Baylor University and UNC Kenan Flagler Business School, she lives in Mount Pleasant, SC with her husband, Thomas, and golden retriever, Jasper.

Breaking Up with Ed

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post because it is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I have invited three friends to share their personal stories with ED. Today, I am excited to introduce you to Martha Kate and her testimony to God’s grace.

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I lived with him for twelve years. He lied, cheated, nearly killed me and still I stayed. He made me lie to my friends, my family, and literally to everyone I knew. I was in elementary school when he moved in, so young, so innocent, yet so very broken. I lived by his rules and let them control my life. He was my best friend, my enemy, my dictator, all rolled into one.

The monster I am talking about is Ed. Ed stands for my eating disorder and for over a decade he had control over my life. My Ed was what I turned to when I was sad, mad, hurt, or frankly just needed any kind of reassurance. I was too ashamed and certainly too prideful. I didn’t know how to stop doing what I was doing and frankly I didn’t want to stop.

Ed twisted the way I felt about myself and others. You see for those twelve years I lived in secret, battling an illness that not even my closest friends and family knew I faced. It consumed me, my thoughts, my behaviors, my actions. Every minute was spent focusing around Ed. Ed was my best friend, my comforter, my confidant, my supporter. But, Ed was really none of those things because deep down Ed was a liar and he was destroying each day a little bit more. I lost more than I could count to Ed: time, money, friends, grades, family, and health. And losing it all, led to a lack of joy and beauty in my life.

I spent years trying to fight Ed alone, thinking I could beat him without anyone else knowing. When that didn’t work I came back to him. Because unlike every other person and situation, Ed was who I could control or so I thought. Once again though, I was lied to because the more I believed I could control him, the more he controlled me and eventually controlled my whole life. I was terrified of not having him in my life.

For those twelve years I lived with a mask on my face. It was a dangerous mask, a deceiving mask, a mask that was so convincing that I myself was almost unaware that it was a mask and not my true self. However, three years ago I took off the mask and never put it on again. The day I took off the mask and broke up with Ed was one of the very best and very hardest days I’ve ever experienced.

As you can see Ed stole an abundance from me but what I learned as I began to recover from the years spent with him, was that there was so much life still to be held. Because as I ran away from Ed I ran into grace. Grace covered me with what Ed couldn’t. Grace gave me the ability to mess up and still not turn back to my old ways. Grace told me I was loved not because of what I have done but because of what He did for me. Grace gave me something I have never had before…FREEDOM.

This past fall I celebrated three years of recovery. I celebrated the decision to jump off the cliff into the arms of grace and say, “It is okay that I am not okay because Jesus is better than being better.” The most beautiful part is, embracing grace doesn’t mean that I am not still a mess. However, it envelops me in all my messiness and it allows me to be my messy broken self. Because Grace is bigger than my flaws. Grace is bigger than my mistakes. Grace is bigger than my guilt. And Grace is so much bigger than my shame.

I never used to understand when people said that Jesus wrecked their lives but now I get it. He definitely wrecked mine and turned it upside down in the best way. He took everything I thought I knew about control and addiction and swept me into His arms. He told me I was loved when I felt unlovable and that I was beautiful in His image. He gave me scandalous, beautiful, amazing, grace. Today, I have the joy of working with college students and because of that. I have an opportunity to show others, specifically these students, that kind of love and grace that is scandalous and unheard of and it is because of my story of grace and the work of the gospel in my life, that I am able to do just that.

I would love to hear your story of brokenness and redemptive grace. Because when we share about the mess and the beauty of grace in our lives, that is when the gospel becomes real. My friend I pray you know there is hope in whatever situation you face. Buckle up, because if you are willing to jump, you are in for the best ride of your life.

Martha Kate Stainsby is an eating disorder survivor and advocate. She spends most of her time in Waco, Texas where she lives with her husband Brett and works with Baylor University students.  When not working with college women, she spends her time sharing her story of grace, through various speaking and writing opportunities in order to build awareness of eating disorders and the hope found in recovery. Find out more about Martha Kate’s journey here: http://leavingperfectionlearninggrace.com

 

I Had No Idea: The Secret Truths of Eating Disorders

• Did you know the mortality rate associated with Eating Disorders is 12 times higher than the death rate from other causes for high school and college age females?

• Did you know over 1/2 of all teenage girls and nearly 1/3 of teenage boys succumb to unhealthy weight control behaviors?

• Did you know between 1995 and 2005 the prevalance of Eating Disorder doubled among both females and males?  (Can only imagine where this leaves us now!)

• Did you know hospitalizations for Eating Disoders in children under 12 increased by 119% between 1999 and 2006?

• Did you know studies show social media amplifies behaviors associated with Eating Disorders?

• Did you know according to the National Eating Disorder Association that Eating Disorders in the United States are more common than Alzheimer’s?

• Did you know 4 out of 10 people struggle or know someone struggling with an Eating Disoder; therefore, it is likely you, a friend or family member is secretly struggling?

No idea until it touched us personally. Now I know way more than the facts. I also know  about the intense struggle, overwhelming temptations, shame, worthlessness and the roller coaster of good and bad days. And I know about the freedom that comes in lifting the veil of secrecy, even when the battle is still being fought. (For more on our personal story click here.)

Our family’s story is why this week during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I will shine the spotlight on Eating Disorders by sharing over the next few days the personal stories written by three of my friends.

You will hear about struggles with food, but more significantly the reason why food is never really the issue. You will hear about healing and help, but more importantly the hope found only in Christ. Knowing who Christ is for us is not just the solution to eating issues, but to all of our issues. All of our struggles and all of our sin. This is because he lived the perfect sinless life required by God for us so that when God looks on us he sees us as perfect!

This is amazing. This is what justification is: making us right! This is why theology matters and gospel truth must be understood for real change.

I love how Extravagant Grace author Barbara Duguid applies justification in a very real and simple way regarding her own struggles with food when she writes about food’s powerful hold on her loosening when she finally realized that Christ ate perfectly for her!

This is what it means practically to see who Christ is for us. He succeeded where we fail. He performed so we don’t have to. He gave up his glory in heaven so we could be made right and spend eternity in his glory.

This is Grace.

I hope you will come back tomorrow to hear from Martha Kate of Leaving Perfection, Learning Grace as she tells of her struggle with ED from an early age through college. Then Parker of A Daily Heart will share tales of her disordered eating and finally Victoria, Executive Director of the Oklahoma Eating Disorders Association, will give her story.

Whether your struggle is with an Eating Disorder or something else, may the Lord use the beautiful messy stories of these women to point you to Christ.  And when (not if, but when) you encounter someone in your life struggling with ED, you will be filled with compassion because you know what it means to struggle and to need a Savior!

If you are struggling with ED, please reach out for help. There is no shame. Christ came not for the righteous, but the sinners. And it is in our weakness that he is strong.

 

The Intruder Named ED

In my last post What Parents need to See on Instagram I cautioned not to mistakenly assume seeking approval, affirmation or acceptance is not an issue for your child. Even if your family is intact and for the most part doing things “right,” your child attends church or various Bible studies, makes good grades, has lots of friends, involved in extra activities and full of inner and outer beauty, your teen or tween may still be spiraling inwardly down because of their own critical eye of constant comparison to their peers.

Just as you may be feeling grateful for the choices he or she is making and proud of who your teen is becoming, your child may actually be filled with turmoil, buying into Satan’s lies that he or she doesn’t measure up. Consumed with thoughts of not being good enough.

I write this with first-hand knowledge. It is the story playing out in our house now. I am certain we are not alone and this is happening in households everywhere, whether known or not.  In our case, Satan’s lies craftily spun as truth have brought with them another sneaky intruder. An intruder who has taken up residence at my house, though hidden to most everyone.

An intruder my daughter has recently outed for who he is and has given me permission to introduce you to ED in hopes we can keep him from wrecking havoc in others’ lives.

ED stands for Eating Disorder.

ED is really not as much about food as you might think. Food is just the manifestation of Satan’s lies whispering:

• You don’t measure up.
• You aren’t as pretty as your friends.
• You don’t look good in that outfit.
• You won’t ever be liked.
• You must be thinner.
• You aren’t as popular.
• You don’t excel in everything like she does.
• You aren’t as talented.
• You won’t be forgiven.
• You are a failure.
• You should be ashamed.
• God is mad at you. 

So goes the vicious cycle of binge-purge.

By the grace of God the purging is no longer happening, but the lies still work their way in and it’s a daily battle to fight them off. We are learning lots and receiving wise counsel, but Satan tends to know where each of us are weak and attacks there.

This is why in the fight we can’t just address eating habits and food. If we did, it would just be putting bandaids over the real issues at hand. Therefore, we must go to the root to see what is leading to the behavior.

When we trace the root down – for us dealing with ED and all of us dealing with any other sin or struggle – we find idolatry at the core. I said it in my last post and say it again:

Idolatry is anything and everything we turn to looking for what only God can give.

• When my child sees the number on the scale as determining her worth instead of who God says she is, she is believing Satan’s lie and making it her “idol.”

• When my child passes other girls in the hall and thinks she is so much less in comparison, she is believing Satan’s lie and making it her “idol.”

• When my child feels down because she doesn’t think she measures up to whatever standard and turns to food as comfort, she is believing Satan’s lie and making it her “idol.”

Turning from our idols is part of the life-long process of sanctification: God conforming us to His likeness and transforming our hearts. At times it feels hopeless change will ever happen, especially when there has been forward progress and then steps back.

But what I know to be true and holding fast to in our journey is that recognizing the idols and seeing the sin is a good thing! If we don’t identify them for what they are and realize they are ruling us, we don’t see what we need to turn from. We don’t see how desperately we need a Savior and we don’t see the immeasurable grace He pours out. Grace, not because we are necesarily getting “better,” but because He loves us, period!

If you are reading this and identify in any way, whether it is presenting itself in issues of control or perfection, through ED or some other way, I hope God will use this post as encouragement to know you are not alone, there is no shame in admitting your struggles or getting help. Mostly I hope this leads you to the foot of the cross.

That is where we are standing. It is hard, but I can tell you good is coming out of the trials already. The fact my daughter is able to evaluate what is going on in her heart and the effects it has on her mood and actions is an awareness that, Lord willing, will keep her dependent on Him all the days of her life. Even now in the midst of the battle, she sees His daily mercies and gives thanks. And so do I.

One of her “grace” leaves hanging on our Gratitude Tree.